Have you ever felt like you’re stuck in a never-ending cycle of obligations, expectations, and self-criticism? Chances are, you’re shoulding all over yourself. “I should have done this,” “I should be more like that,” or “I should be further along by now.” These thoughts feel productive, like they’re pushing you toward a better version of yourself. But in reality, they’re heavy with judgment, leaving little room for growth or self-compassion.
Let’s unpack why we “should” ourselves, how it holds us back, and what it takes to rewrite the rules.
The Origin of Your “Shoulds”
There are so many rules and structures, ways in which we are socialized to behave, to show up, and to “fit in.” These norms are deeply embedded, passed down through generations, and often unquestioned. For many, especially women, these rules were established hundreds of years ago in a completely different context. They may have served a purpose back then, but they’re no longer relevant to the world we live in today. Yet, we cling to them because there’s no new template or pathway to follow—and the idea of creating one is terrifying.
We don’t realize that these outdated rules are blocking our growth and potential. It’s time to pause and ask yourself: whose rules are you following? Are they serving you, or are they keeping you stuck?
When You Feel Stuck, Look for the Rules
Feeling stuck often signals that you’re living by a rule that no longer fits or struggling to accept something about yourself. Sometimes, we’re not even aware that we’re operating by these invisible guidelines. That’s where awareness comes in.
Start by getting the swirling thoughts out of your head. Write them down, or if journaling feels daunting, record a voice memo. What do you value most in life? What beliefs are driving your actions? Are they aligned with the life you want to live, or the life you feel you “should” live? Awareness is the first step to understanding the “shoulds” in your life and how they’re holding you back.
Shoulds = Judgment
“Should” is a word that drips with judgment. When you say, “I should have done this,” what you’re really saying is, “I’m not enough as I am.” This self-criticism doesn’t motivate change—it paralyzes you. Growth needs space to breathe, but judgment crowds in and suffocates your inspiration and joy.
Instead of saying, “I should,” try shifting your language: “I accept where I am right now. What do I want to do from here?” This reframing allows you to approach your goals from a place of curiosity and possibility rather than shame.
The Path to Freedom
Breaking free from the cycle of “should” requires courage, self-compassion, and grace. Here are some steps to help you start:
Awareness: Identify the rules you’re following. Ask yourself, “Why is this a should in my life? Where did it come from?”
Self-Compassion: Speak to yourself kindly. Instead of berating yourself for not meeting a standard, applaud your efforts and resilience. Change is risky, and you deserve credit for trying.
Joy Discovery: Take time to explore what truly brings you joy and makes you feel alive. Many of us ignore these signals because we’re too busy following outdated rules.
Alignment: Evaluate your values and beliefs. Do they align with how you want to live your life, or are they rooted in societal expectations that no longer make sense?
Reframe Your Language: Replace “should” with empowering phrases. For example, instead of saying, “I should work harder,” try, “I’d like to find a way to work that feels fulfilling and balanced.”
Your Authentic Life Awaits
The journey to living authentically starts with releasing the “shoulds” that no longer serve you. By examining the rules you’ve been following and allowing yourself the grace to rewrite them, you can create a life that reflects who you truly are, not who you’ve been told to be.
The life you want isn’t found in following old rules—it’s in creating new ones that honor the person you are today.
#authenticity #self-compassion #freedom #alignment #independence #joy